Setting Boundaries for the Two Parent Family-Part I

By Natasha & Justin McColl

Parenting children is a difficult task, especially when the parent-child relationship spirals out of control.  The child’s behaviors may range from back-talk, tantrums, hitting, and outright defiance.  It can leave a parent feeling helpless and hopeless.  However, there is hope.   Parents can learn how to parent more effectively. Implementing a new structure in the home can bring about a big change in the parent-child relationship. There are tools parents can use to bring about a more peaceful and happy home environment.

The first step in regaining parental control starts with a willingness from the parents to change.  This may seem like a strange idea to a desperate parent who sees negative behavior from their child.  “For heaven sake, it is little Johnny who won’t listen!”  It is important to remember that this is a

relationship and the child is responding to the parent’s communication and behavior.  Parents are not always consistent and effective in communicating their desire for obedience, appropriate behavior, peace and happiness. Therefore the child responds poorly as well.  Parents need to effectively communicate their desires through word and behavior, so that the child can then adjust their behavior.  This means that the parent needs to change!

Change is not easy.

Both parents must work together, united as a team, in order to instill the desired new behaviors in their child.  Sadly, there are so many couples in which only one parent is effectively parenting. This may be because one parent chooses not to enter into the parental role or the dominant personality will not let the other parent participate as a parental team member. Both these case scenarios will lead to ineffective parenting and allow the child to continue in his/her inappropriate behavior.  As a team, parents can support each other and implement good clear boundaries for the child.  If the parents are struggling to break out of these rigid roles, it may be wise to seek out couples counseling.

It is common for parents to become angry with the child, feel hurt and frustrated when attempting to resolve this seeming overwhelming problem behavior.  Remember the ultimate goal is to help the child develop more appropriate behaviors.  In setting effective boundaries, parents need to use reason and not rely on emotion. If parents discipline strictly from emotion, they are often punishing and not disciplining the child.  Punishment is much easier than discipline, but it will lead to resentment and retaliation from the child. Idle threats are also ineffective because the children know the punishment will not be enforced, and so the inappropriate behaviors continue.

Setting clear and consistent boundaries for the child is vital.

This means both parents must take time to discuss what healthy boundaries are needed in their family and then stand by those boundaries at all cost.  These boundaries are now the foundational norms of the family even when one parent is not home.  If one parent has an idea and the other parent disagrees and is not willing to enforce the new boundary, both need to go back to the drawing board.  It is important that the new boundary be practical to implement and easy for the child to understand.  The couple must come up with a boundary that both are willing to enforce.   Remember, boundaries that are inconsistently implemented will create chaos for the child and this is when parents see negative maladaptive behaviors.

Setting boundaries as an alternative to threats and punishment is a very powerful tool for parents in guiding children into adulthood.  By setting clear boundaries, children learn that their decisions result in positive and negative consequences. Children now have a clear idea of the expected behavior.  If they do not comply with this expectation, there is a negative consequence such as a loss of privilege.  If they comply with the new boundary, it is sometimes appropriate to reward the behavior by acknowledging it.  For example, thanking the child for complying or congratulating them for complying. However children should not be rewarded for doing what is expected of them.   Expect the new boundary to have an impact on your children, they may not like the change in discipline at first, but with consistent practice, they will begin to comply without much struggle or defiance.

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Justin D McColl is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wyoming, is a husband and father of 3 children, and is the Clinical Director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for at risk teen girls and their families.  Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.

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