You loved them from the start, and you put everything into them. You once thought you knew what happiness was, but then they were born, and you realized you knew nothing. They are your very own creation…your miracle. They are your life…

And someone has stolen their innocence.

No words can express what a parent goes through upon learning their child has been sexually abused. It’s the most heinous of crimes, and it makes you sick to the bone. Knowing what steps to take seems impossible, as you can hardly think clearly. But you must do something, and the following will get your started.

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Remove all guilt.

Just as your child did nothing wrong, you did nothing wrong. You are both victims, so know that, and eliminate all guilt from your conscience. The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be able to remedy the situation.

Call the authorities.

Explain to your child that (although it will be difficult) he or she must recount the experience to the police. If there is a lack of evidence, don’t be deterred, and file charges anyways. If a future victim also files charges, the police can revisit your case. Telling your child’s story could prevent another child from suffering the same anguish.

Seek therapy.

And do so for both your child and you. If your child wants to talk to you about the abuse, listen, but seeking professional help can make all the difference as they grow into adulthood.

Protect your child from the abuser.

This might seem obvious, but each crime has unique circumstances. In instances where the perpetrator is a family member or neighbor, do whatever it takes to remove that person from your life. This means no phone calls, letters, and obviously, get-togethers. And just as your child should stay away from the perpetrator, so should you.

Discovering that your child has been sexually abused can flip your world upside-down, but it doesn’t have to destroy you. Be courageous, and take the steps necessary to help both you and your child. Root all of your actions in love, and the darkness surrounding your home will be removed.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for troubled teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation

        

My husband and I just found out that our neighbor has been molesting our ten-year-old daughter for the past year. Not only am I outraged, but my trust has been destroyed. I never imagined that someone so close to our family could do such a thing, and I’m finding it hard to move forward. How could I have known, and is there anything I can do to make sure this never happens again?

Enraged – St. Paul, Minnesota

timkemp_1

Dear Enraged,

Discovering that your child has been violated in such a way is every parent’s nightmare. You may feel as though you’ve failed your daughter, but there was nothing you could’ve done.

The fact is that most sexual abuse is committed against someone the perpetrator knows, is close to. Of the sexual-abuse cases at Trinity Teen Solutions, 80 percent were conducted by older brothers, while 10 percent took place at the hands of distant family members such as uncles and cousins. In such instances, not only is the victim easily accessible, but a mutual trust is established between the two. This is especially true regarding child victims, as youth are more vulnerable and easily swayed by the adults in their lives.

“If you love me, you’ll keep our secret.”

“You don’t want to get me into trouble, do you?”

These are just some examples of pedophile guilt trips. In many cases, they work to keep the abuse hidden for months, maybe even years.

As I said before, you must not blame yourself. It is important, however, that you know how to spot a pedophile before more damage is done. Here are some surefire ways to do so.

Monitor the person’s behavior…and not just with your child. If you see an adult acting too intimately with any child, a red flag should go up. Inappropriate behavior can include anything from tickling to obsessively staring.

Childlike adults have a tendency to be sexual predators. Don’t point fingers at the “young at heart,” but if an adult spends more time with the kids than the grownups, something’s wrong.

Presents are a tell-tale sign that an adult may have inappropriate intentions for your child. If it’s not your child’s birthday, and if your permission was not asked for, that adult is up to something.

Encouraging your child to break your rules is another habit of pedophiles. Curfews, prohibited places, and other guidelines are set in place to keep the child safe, and anyone who convinces them otherwise has bad intentions in mind.

Too much interest in your child’s life is another sign of possible pedophilia. It’s one thing to ask how your child’s doing in school; it’s another thing to want to know if they need help studying.

At the end of the day, all you’ve got to go by is your gut. That, coupled with smarts and a love for your daughter, will be enough to ensure this never happens again.

All the best,

Angie

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for troubled teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation

        

It’s no secret that sexual abuse is the most damaging of crimes. While the victim is undoubtedly the most injured, the act also takes its toll on the victim’s loved ones. In the case of sexual abuse against children, these loved ones would be the parents.

So how do you cope upon learning that your child has been sexually abused? Is it possible to think straightly about the unimaginable? Where do you go from here, and most importantly, how do you get there?

Photo By: rbglasson

Allow yourself to feel.

You might think it’s selfish to feel violated when your child was the one who suffered most, but it’s not selfish. Your child is an extension of you, and their pain is your pain. Accept whatever emotions arise within you, as they are an essential part of the healing process for both of you.

Don’t lose your cool.

While you should accept your feelings, don’t allow them to overpower you. Denial, anger, and depression are just some of the emotions you will encounter, but if allowed to grow, they can prevent you from taking the steps necessary to remedy the situation. For this reason, it’s paramount that both your child and you seek professional counseling.

Fake it if you have to.

You naturally want to cry and scream, but find the strength not to do so in front of your child. As the parent, your child looks to you for answers, safety and strength. Even if you don’t feel in control, fake it for your child’s sake. Remember that energies are very contagious.

Loosen the reins.

After learning your child has been violated, it’s natural to want to overprotect him or her. Work hard to not do this. Becoming overbearing and visibly frightened for your child’s safety will only make them feel insecure. Your goal as a parent before the abuse was to instill confidence and self-reliance within your child, and it must remain your goal afterwards as well.

Encourage dialog.

The knowledge of sexual abuse is like an elephant in the room, so don’t ignore it completely. While you want to find a “new normal,” the fact is that a travesty was committed against your child. If he or she wants to talk about it, listen.

As stated before, sexual abuse affects more people than the victim. It’s a family crime. But with composure, acceptance and patience, you can help both you and your child move on to a better future.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for troubled teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation

        

But sexual abuse is a monster with many faces, molestation being only one. Whatever form it comes in, the damage to its victim is life altering and should not be ignored. The following are the various classifications of sexual abuse.

photo by y zeynep'arkok

Molestation: When a person is subjected to unwanted sexual touching, molestation has occurred. This applies to all persons (regardless of age), but it most commonly afflicts children and women.

Rape: Unlike molestation, rape is the forcing of sexual intercourse upon an individual. Rape can occur vaginally, anally, and orally. Most of its victims are women and children.

Incest: Molestation or rape committed by a blood relative is considered incest.

Partner Rape: It’s a common misconception that forcing one’s partner into sexual activity is not considered rape. It is, and this holds true for both marriages and dating relationships. Just because you’re committed to someone does not obligate you to submit to their advances.

Harassment: Many people believe that unless a physical injury takes place, it is not sexual abuse. They’re wrong. Any unwelcome, sexual advances by a peer, authority figure or other individual is considered harassment, which can affect a victim’s school or work performance.

Drug-Facilitated Sexual Abuse: As the name suggests, this form of sexual abuse involves the use of drugs to disable a victim’s decision making and judgment. Rohypnol and GHB (known by street names such as Roofies, Roach, and Rope) are central nervous system depressants that debilitate victims, making resistance to sexual abuse impossible. Other substances, such as alcohol and ecstasy, have similar effects.

As can be seen, sexual abuse comes in many forms, none of which are acceptable. When it comes to this crime, there is no line between good and bad. Any sexual activity or behavior that is unwanted counts as abuse, and it should be treated as such.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for troubled teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation

        

My ex-husband and I share joint custody of our teenage daughter, and she just revealed to me that (while spending the weekend at his house) his friend raped her. I can barely write the words, I’m so sick to my stomach. I immediately pressed charges and enrolled her in counseling, but I wonder what the long-term, psychological effects of this will be for her. Can you help?

Barbara – San Diego, California

Dear Barbara,

Please accept my sincerest sympathies for what you and your daughter are going through. I, too, am sick at the thought of it.

Counseling is essential, so it’s good that she’s receiving some. But you are correct in believing that there are long-term, psychological effects of sexual abuse, especially a crime as monstrous as rape. Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is a disorder suffered (in some degree or another) by victims, and it includes the following symptoms:

Re-experiencing the Trauma
Rape victims have intrusive thoughts about what happened to them, and they cannot control these thoughts.

Withdrawal
The people, places and things the victim once enjoyed are ignored.

Avoidance
Unlike withdrawal, avoidance behavior means victims refuse to acknowledge any thoughts, feelings or cues in their lives. Their emotions are turned off, so to speak.

Hostile Behavior
Rather than deal with life in a logical manner, victims tend to experience rage and anger at the slightest provocation.

RTS is a disorder that has a domino effect on the victim’s life. Included in the above symptoms are a range of psychological reactions to the trauma of rape. A distorted body image, an inability to maintain romantic relationships, and sleeping disorders are just some of the anxieties experienced by victims.

You’ve already taken the first step by enrolling your daughter in counseling. Many rape victims keep the crime hidden, and as a result, they don’t receive the professional help that is vital to their mental wellbeing. Your daughter stands a great chance at leading a happy, healthy life.

In the meanwhile, you might consider receiving counseling for your own sake. And don’t feel guilty, as you could do nothing to prevent what happened to your daughter. All you can do is love her and try to move on. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.

Best regards,
Angie

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for troubled teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation

        

An estimated 90 percent of our girls have experienced some form of sexual abuse. While some entered the program because of such a history, as many as 95 percent don’t reveal their victimization until much later in the therapeutic process. Like peeling the many layers of an onion, we had to work through the psychological and emotional barriers which kept their abuse a secret. Once out in the open, an amazing spiritual transformation occurred.

Photo by: Madeleine

Upon learning their daughter was sexually abused, many of our parents feel responsible or guilty. They should not, as:

• More than 30 percent of victims never tell anyone.
• Close to 80 percent of victims deny the abuse and hesitate to disclose about it.
• Of the disclosures, 75 percent are done accidentally; while 20 percent recant out of fear.

Sexual abuse is a horrendous crime which plagues more children than society realizes. While thousands of charges are filed yearly, a vast majority go unreported. Current statistics show that:

• One in four girls is sexually abused before age 18.
• Almost 70 percent of reported cases occurred before age 17.
• One in five children is sexually solicited via the Internet.
• There are approximately 39 million sexual-abuse survivors in today’s United States.

The behavioral problems for which girls are enrolled at Trinity Teen Solutions are largely explained by their history of sexual abuse, as:

• Victims report more problems with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and problems at school than non-victims.
• Sexually-abused girls are at a greater risk for eating disorders.
• Seventy to 80 percent of children who are sexually abused grow up to use drugs and alcohol.
• Young girls who are sexually abused are three times more likely to develop psychiatric disorders.
• Close to 50 percent of women in prisons admit to being sexually abused as children.

These numbers are startling, but they’re all the more reason to help our young people while we can. A full 96 percent of the girls who come to Trinity and complete their stay effectively overcome the struggles in their lives due to our family-style, residential treatment program. By addressing the dangers targeting our youth, we can work towards making a happier tomorrow for them.

Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for troubled teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation

        

This quote from author Beatrix Campbell gets to the heart of sexual abuse. Unlike other crimes, the damage inflicted upon victims is always internal, hidden. Shame and embarrassment are harbored within the soul, where they eat away at a child’s esteem, joy, and wellbeing.

Here at Trinity Teen Solutions, we counsel young women who struggle with a range of behavioral and developmental difficulties. All too often, we discover a history of sexual abuse at the core of their problems. In most cases, the affliction went unnoticed by the parents. If your instincts are telling you that your teen daughter may be a victim of sexual abuse, go with them. The following are some tell-tale signs to look out for.

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Unattractiveness: Your daughter used to put time and effort into her hair, makeup and clothing. Now, she hides her body in baggy, bulky shirts.

Eating Habits: Her healthy, normal appetite has been replaced by significant weight loss or gain.

Anger: She’s grown increasingly withdrawn, and when you question her, she responds with unreasonable outbursts.

Sexual Behavior: Her modesty has been replaced by promiscuity. She dresses and behaves seductively, yearns for male attention, and degrades herself.

Damaged Relationships: She used to spend a lot of time with a particular family member. She now refuses to be alone with that individual.

Habits: She squints her eyes, makes a squeaking sound, excessively bites her nails, or twirls her hair. These behaviors came on suddenly and obsessively, and they are possible signs of inner turmoil.

As previously stated, sexual abuse is the perfect crime, in that it often goes unnoticed. If your daughter is displaying these or any other strange behaviors, ask her if anyone has been inappropriate with her. If she resists, try again. With time, love and patience, you will break through the darkness that’s surrounding her.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for at risk teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation

        

I’m writing to you with a very sick heart. I just learned that my teenage daughter has been sexually-abused by a friend of the family. She’s currently receiving counseling for it, but I can’t help wondering how this crime will affect her development. What should I expect, and even more so, how can I help her? I feel so lost and sad.

Mary – Boise, Idaho

KenzieMc

Dear Mary,

Your heartache is understandable. The parent-child relationship is the strongest of all bonds. Her pain is your pain.

As you suspect, there could be some long-term effects from her sexual abuse. Every crime leaves a path of destruction behind, and the damage is as unique as the individual victim. The counseling your daughter is receiving should help, but for your information, I’ve included the following list of outcomes from sexual abuse.

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): The National Institute of Mental Health defines PTSD as “an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal.” While commonly attributed to war veterans, PTSD can manifest itself from a variety of threatening instances. Nightmares, emotional numbness, and tension are just some of its many symptoms.

Addiction: Sexual-abuse victims tend to bottle up their emotions. Substance abuse is a quick and easy way to numb the pain.

Obesity: Like drugs, victims may also seek out food for emotional comfort.

Poor Relationship Skills: Victims of sexual abuse struggle with relationships. If they don’t refuse them all together, they seek them out desperately.

Other common effects of sexual abuse include (but are not limited to) insomnia, dissociative states, eating disorders, and suicide attempts.

As I said, each person is different, and the way they respond to such abuse will vary. Don’t let this list alarm you, as many victims of sexual abuse have moved on to lead prosperous, fulfilling lives. With proper care and attention, your daughter can grow into a thriving and happy woman.

My best to you,

Angie

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for at risk teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation

        

There is no stronger bond than that between a child and its parent. Part of this bond is an instinct – a “gut feeling” – when something is troubling that child.

Maybe their personality has changed from joyful to reclusive. Perhaps they no longer enjoy the activities they once took part in. Or possibly their dress, eating habits, and dialog is now different. Whatever the case, the child you once knew is gone, and you want to know why. And while you dread the thought, you can’t help but wonder if someone has harmed them.

You wonder if they’ve been sexually abused.

This is the most vicious of crimes, in that it damages the innermost part of a person…their spirit. Its victims become overwhelmed by guilt and shame, and as a result, they hide their affliction from the people who can help them. Their signs of turmoil, however, are not completely invisible.

If you suspect your child has been sexually abused, go with those suspicions and ask. The following is a step-by-step guide to starting and getting the most out of that conversation.

Esther Gibbons

Choose your environment when discussing sexual abuse.

Pick a place where you know your child is most at ease, preferably in your home. As the topic is uncomfortable for both of you, it would be ideal to exclude any other individuals from the conversation.

Be honest about why you are talking with them about sex abuse.

Your child said or did something to concern you, so ask them about it, and use specifics. For example, “Your teacher said you’re afraid to undress in gym class,” and go from there. Asking a child if he or she is okay will get you nowhere, so get straight to the point.

Choose your words when talking about sexual predators.

If speaking to a young child, don’t ask if someone has been “hurting” them, as they might misinterpret the word to mean hitting or pinching. Ask if someone has been touching them in ways that make them feel uncomfortable.

Eliminate secrets and let your child know he or she can talk to you.

It’s not uncommon for sexual predators to coax their victims into keeping the abuse a secret. Speak calmly and tenderly to your child, and remind them that they can tell you anything.

If the conversation hits a dead end, don’t completely dismiss your hunches. What’s important is that you laid the foundation for a safe, open dialog with your child. When they’re ready, they’ll know that they can come to you with anything.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment center for at risk teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation

        

If you’re like most parents, you’re desperate to get into your teenage daughter’s head. But rather than talk to you, she coops herself up in her bedroom. Her silence is deafening.

Even louder is the voice inside of you that’s screaming for answers. Her behavior is much more than mere teenage angst…she’s troubled, and you want to know why. If only you could get her to open up.

If you’re like many parents, the fear of sexual abuse against your child is constantly on your mind, and for good reason. Predators have always existed, and technological advancements such as the Internet make their jobs much easier. If you suspect your teen daughter has been victimized, look for the following symptoms.

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder developed after a terrifying, life-altering experience. Cases of PTSD are commonly seen in military combat, accident victims, or any other situation where physical safety was threatened. Sexual abuse certainly qualifies.

Teens with Symptoms of PTSD include social withdrawal, sleep problems, and jumpiness. If you notice significant changes or new, unusual habits in your child, don’t ignore them. If left untreated, PTSD can progress into adulthood.

Sexually Reactive Behavior

About one-third of children who are sexually abused display sexual behavior. Immediately following the abuse, the child will act more promiscuous than other children their age, regardless of how young they are. Other immediate symptoms of sexual assault in children include behavioral problems, low self-esteem, and disruptiveness.

Long-Term Effects

If left undiscovered, sexual abuse can lead to health problems such as heart disease. Psychological symptoms of sexual abuse are never ending, and include depression, anxiety, PTSD, sexual dysfunction, and substance abuse. In some cases, attempts at suicide are made, many of which serve as a cry for help.

Summary

Sexual abuse steals a person’s ability to be happy and thrive, and it must not be tolerated. If you detect any of these sexual abuse symptoms in your teen daughter, get them to talk at all costs. Be a parent first, and a friend second. They’ll appreciate your concern.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Girl’s Boarding School for troubled teens and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.