Self-esteem literally means to esteem, or respect, yourself. Having high self-esteem means that you have a positive image of yourself. Let’s look at where such a positive self-image comes from.

In her classic book Celebrate Yourself, Dorothy Corkville Briggs makes a distinction between the real you and your self-image. She says that the real you is unique and unchanging. Most of your self-image-what you think is true about yourself-is learned. It is not necessarily accurate at all!

Where are your beliefs about yourself drawn from? Where did you learn them? If you think about it, you’ll see that they came from:

• What others said about you
• What others told you
• What others did to you

Your self-image is the result of all the messages you heard about yourself as a child. These messages added up to a set of beliefs about who you are. It may have nothing to do with who you really are.

For example, you may believe things like:

• I’m not very smart.
• I’m naturally passive.
• Girls aren’t any good at math.
• I’m too old to start over.
• All of the women in the Breski family become doctors.
• I’m painfully shy.
• The Hurleys never lie.

In addition to learning to believe certain things during our early years, there are certain situations that make most people feel inferior or lacking in self-esteem.

Some examples are:

• Being criticized
• Not being loved
• Being rejected
• Experiencing failure

Image by foxtrotyankee

What Low Self-Esteem Feels Like

In situations like these above, it is not uncommon to feel emotions such as:

• Sadness
• Inferiority
• Anger
• Jealousy
• Rejection

Cognitive Therapy

Cognitive therapy is one of the most successful methods for helping people feel better about themselves. Cognitive therapists help depressed and anxious people feel better by identifying how faulty ways of thinking are making them feel bad. They believe that faulty thoughts cause us to feel bad, which makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Cognitive therapists call these faulty ways of thinking “twisted thinking.” Cognitive therapy is a process where the client analyzes his or her thoughts and beliefs, and learns to substitute more healthy ways of thinking and believing. These therapists help their clients feel better in four steps: First, identify the upsetting events that cause bad feelings; second, record your thoughts about the event; third, identify the distortions in your thinking process; and fourth, substitute rational responses. When the client successfully completes these four steps, the client usually feels better about him- or herself.

Thinking the right kinds of thoughts is one way to feel good about yourself. Now let’s talk about a second way to increase your self-esteem: by taking a look at your life environment and seeing whether it supports you feeling good about yourself. You may find that some nourishing elements need to be replenished. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Do you have people in your life who:

1. Treat you with love and respect?
2. Encourage you to do and be anything you want?
3. Help you find out what you want to do, and how to do it?
4. Encourage you to explore all of your talents and interests?
5. Are thrilled when you succeed?
6. Listen to you when you need to complain?
7. Help you bounce back from failure without making you feel bad?

Take a moment to think about each of the items on this list. Note where your environment is providing adequately for you, and where it is lacking. This can give you clues to how to build your own self-esteem.

Strategies for Esteem Building

1. Pay attention to how you are feeling from moment to moment. Tune in to what your five senses are experiencing. Take it down to the most basic level of “I feel warm right now,” “I feel light-headed,” “I feel a tightness in my stomach.”

2. Revisit your interests and goals. Make a list of things you’d like to do and learn. Today, take one step toward learning more.

3. Spend less time with critical people and more time with those who appreciate you.

4. Spend some time with yourself at the end of each day. Review what happened and how you were feeling. Write about it in a private journal.

5. If you are feeling bad about yourself, consider finding a therapist to help you get your life on a positive track.

Suggested Reading

Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. New York, Bantam, 1994.

Dorothy Corkville Briggs, Celebrate Your Self: Making Life Work For You. Garden City, NY: Doubleday, 1977.

David D.Burns, Ten Days to Self-Esteem. New York, William Morrow, 1993.

Barbara Sher with Annie Gottlieb, Wishcraft. New York, Ballantine Books, 1979.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential Treatment Center for at risk teen girls, young adult women, and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.

        

Many parents feel at fault for their teen daughter’s negative self image, but they shouldn’t. Adolescence is marked by an influx of hormones, which contribute to sensitive emotions. Besides growing pains, there are several outside factors that impact self esteem, such as the media and peers.

Whatever the cause, low self esteem should not be ignored. This article will explain why, and provide some tips for parents.

photo by: swisscan

Consequences of Teen Girls’ Low Self Esteem

Is having low self esteem really a big deal? The answer is yes.

If ignored, a teen girl’s low self image can evolve into a more serious condition, such as depression. Teens who are depressed are more likely to dabble in drugs, criminal activity, or other negative behaviors. Low self esteem will directly and negatively affect her life choices.

Does your teen daughter have low self esteem?

As a parent, you know when something is wrong with your child. Following are several signs of low self esteem that you should be aware of.

Your child may have low self esteem if he or she:

• Says they’re stupid, fat or ugly
• Responds “I don’t care” to everything
• Apologizes for things that don’t require apologies
• Hesitates to participate in all activities
• Isolates themselves
• Appears overly sensitive to others

If you notice any of these behaviors in your teen, don’t ignore them. Poor self esteem during adolescence can follow them into adulthood, severely impacting their happiness and quality of life. Now is the time to address the issue, and make your teen realize how important she truly is.

What should a parent do?

If you suspect your teen struggles with low self esteem, the first step is to talk to them. Many teen girls are willing to open up, and are merely waiting for someone to care. Other steps you can take include:

• Find activities you can do together that highlight your teen’s strengths
• Notice when your teen does something well and compliment them
• Every day, ask how they’re doing
• If you suspect something is wrong, ask them (but don’t pressure)
• Get your family involved in volunteer work
• Listen, and stay involved in your teen’s life. Your sincere interest in your teen’s world will increase his or her sense of value

If (after trying several of these approaches) your teen still struggles, seek professional assistance. An underlying issue may be at play, such as depression, so talk to your family doctor about seeking counseling. Most importantly, keep love at the center of everything you do for your teenage daughter.

You can’t go wrong with that.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed boarding school for troubled teens and their families.  Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.

        

What Is Happiness?

If you are thinking about changing your life for the better, one way to start is by identifying your goals. You are probably hoping to find some version of happiness or emotional well-being. That might look like any combination of the following:

Image by incurable hippie

•           A sense of freedom

•           Self-esteem

•           Self-confidence

•           Happy to get up in the morning

•           Working toward goals

•           A sense of purpose in life

•           Satisfying relationships

What Is Unhappiness?

If you are thinking about changing your life, you may be experiencing some combination of the following elements:

•           Feeling sad, lethargic or depressed

•           Feeling afraid

•           Abusing or being addicted to alcohol or drugs

•           Feeling lonely

•           Anxiety

•           Problems with relationships

•           Not getting what you want in life; feeling frustrated in working toward goals

•           Not caring enough to have goals

How Will You Change?

When you decide to change your life, try the following ideas.

1. Explore your feelings. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.
2. Envision your future. Write in a journal, make a collage, do a guided visualization, talk to a friend or counselor, research the possibilities.
3. Explore wishes and dreams. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.
4. Be open to new ideas. Take a class, travel, say yes to things you may have avoided in the past.
5. Look for kindred spirits. Avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself, seek out those who make you blossom, reach out to those with similar interests and dreams.
6. Try something different. Deliberately buy new items, try different brands, shop at different stores, do the opposite of what you usually do, see different movies, read different kinds of books and magazines.
7. Set goals and targets. Learn how to set useful goals, follow through, evaluate progress regularly, reward yourself for achievement.
8. Take one step at a time. Divide your goals into tiny pieces and do one small new thing each day, starting now.
9. Look for lessons. Remind yourself that experiences are not good or bad; they are simply lessons.

How to Overcome Your Resistance to Change

Have you ever noticed that when you think about changing your life, you feel resistant? Many people say that they not only feel resistant, but they actually do things to keep their lives familiar. They do things like start a diet and then eat a candy bar on the first day, or quit smoking and then sneak a puff.

There are some things you can do to make yourself less resistant. Here are six effective strategies:

1. Eliminate clutter. Clutter can be viewed as a sign of uncertainty. Accumulating “stuff” might be stopping you from committing to an important thing. If you keep a lot of half-started projects around, it makes it difficult to zero in on the really important things.
2. Start small. Thinking of your overall goal can be overwhelming. So manage your resistance by choosing one small part of it and attacking it today. Let’s say your goal is to lose 20 pounds. That can certainly seem like an impossible thing to accomplish. It will seem more doable if you tell yourself, I’m going to lose five pounds by (date).
3. Disprove your disempowering beliefs. In Reinventing Your Life, authors Young and Klosko suggest that you identify the beliefs that keep you from succeeding. They offer a way to dispute those beliefs by asking, “Is there really an evidence today that this belief is true?” They suggest making a list of the evidence.
4. Remind yourself of all of your available options. You always have alternatives and the power to choose among them.
5. Take responsibility for what you want. Look for signs that you are blaming
   your situation on others or not admitting past mistakes. Acknowledge them and move on.
6. Visualize the future. Author Barbara Sher suggests one way to do this: Write an imaginary press release about yourself. The date is today’s date, two years in the future. The press release is announcing the most extraordinary event you can think of. It doesn’t matter whether this event seems only vaguely possible to you. The important thing is that it is exciting to imagine.

When to Seek Professional Help

Sometimes it makes sense to find a professional counselor to work with as you work through the change process. Here are some ways to know when that would be appropriate:

1. You’ve tried several things but you still have the problem.
2. You want to find a solution sooner rather than later.
3. You have thoughts of harming yourself or others.
4. You have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or another disorder that are significantly interfering with your daily functioning and the quality of your life. For example, you have lost time from work, your relationships have been harmed, your health is suffering. These are signs that you may need the help of a trained, licensed professional.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Boarding School for troubled teen girls and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.

        

The problem is especially strong when it comes to teenage girls, who are more eager than boys to gain approval from others. The desire to feel beautiful, loved, and valued can lead girls to participate in negative activities and become troubled teens. Without a solid foundation of confidence and self esteem, these young women are more likely to become victims of sexual assault and other crimes.

As with all child-rearing issues, preparation begins in the home. Studies have shown that youth raised in solid, loving households are 70 percent less likely to submit to peer pressure, and are more apt to set and achieve life goals. A little interest on part of the parents goes a long way.

Some means of developing a child’s character at home include:

• Establishing responsibility through the delegation of chores;
• Praising good behavior, while scrutinizing bad behavior;
• Honing the child’s passions and skills through hobbies;
• Designating daily meal times when the family eats together;
• Designating weekly activity days for the family to be together;
• Complimenting the child on his or her strengths, and noticing their strong points.

When parents show a vested interest in their daughters’ successes, failures, goals, and passions, they create an innate sense of importance. Through their actions, they tell their daughters that they are valuable just as they are, and they need not seek approval from anyone other than themselves. When it comes to creating self esteem, there is no better medicine than love and discipline.

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Boarding School for troubled teen girls and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.

        

But what would you do if someone told you they found sexy (or nude) images of your teenage daughter online? Would you believe them, or would you have to see the pictures for yourself? Would you even want to see them?

Image By Pink Sherbet Photography

The fact is that today’s youth are technologically savvy, and not just in Web surfing. The National Campaign to Support Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy estimated this year that roughly 20 percent of teens participate in “sexting” – sending sexual images via text messages.

This is just one of many forms of technological promiscuity, and the trend is growing.

Where They Do It

Technology has provided ample opportunities for teens to engage in sexual behavior. Chat rooms host the crimes of pedophiles worldwide, and social-networking Web sites such as Facebook and MySpace enable youth to create racy profiles. Sexting is a more convenient, spur-of-the-moment form of flirtation that takes place between teens of all ages via cell phone or instant messaging.

Why They Do It

Sexting is due to far more than raging teenage hormones…it’s the result of low self-esteem. Teenagers (particularly girls) who crave acceptance will go to any lengths to receive it, especially if it’s not readily available at home. Add onto that the fact that school is often a competition about who’s prettier or more popular, and the idea of sending sexy images becomes even more appealing.

In our next segment on Teens and Technology, we’ll discuss what parents can do to prevent this and other forms of technological promiscuity.

See Part 2 of our Teens and Technology Series: Monitor Your Teenage Daughter’s Behavior

Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Boarding School for at risk teen girls and their families.  Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.

        

There was something oddly familiar about Kevin. He too possessed a soft spoken Oklahoma accent and looked like a miniature version of Chief Harper. There was much talk amongst ourselves about who Kevin really was and we couldn’t help but assume he was the chief’s son. We found this rather strange because they did not share the same last name. Moreover, ever since the Sullivan brothers in World War II it was uncommon for family members to be assigned to the dame ship.

For us enlisted, our duties on board began in the kitchen. We normally have 90 days of kitchen duty before we begin in our designated department. Kevin, started in the kitchen working for Chief Harper. We all noticed a dramatic difference in they way the Chief treated Kevin from the rest of us. Chief Harper was very demanding of Kevin, he was critical, and became explosively angry towards him. He would not even call Kevin by his name. Kevin didn’t appear to be phased; he pushed himself and did everything the chief asked of him. Not only did Kevin look like the chief but he also pursued the same profession. He came aboard to be a cook just like Chief Harper. During Kevin’s first few months aboard the Salt Lake City he and I became friends. At first he never talked about his relationship with the chief nor the way the chief treated him. This went on for several months until Kevin could no longer take it.  I remember the conversation when Kevin finally explained the relationship between him and the chief. The chief was in fact Kevin’s biological father. Chief Harper had a brief relationship with Kevin’s mother and then disappeared from her life. The chief knew he had a son however he had never attempted to contact Kevin or his mother. That Kevin’s biological father was stationed on a sub was one of the few facts Kevin had about his father.  He had attempted to contact the chief with no success. He then took the extraordinary step to petition the United States Congress for permission to be assigned with his biological father on board a submarine in hopes of developing a relationship with his dad. This unusual request was voted on and approved by Congress.

Kevin remarked that he would have done anything to have a relationship with his dad but only when he actually came aboard the ship did he realize he alone could not make this relationship happen. He said, “I don’t know what I was thinking in trying this. My dad is at home with my mom and he has been a great father to me and this guy is nothing more than my biological sire.” Kevin did not remain assigned to our ship much longer, he requested a transfer and was gone within a month.

Kevin was in search of filling a void. He believed he would fill this void when he found his father and got the relationship he had always wanted. I suppose Kevin is not that different from anyone of us. Who would not want to know his or her real parents? Which one of us would not want to fill that emptiness we often experience? In our present age and culture the zeitgeist (spirit of the age) tells us to seek our worth and fulfillment outside of ourselves. Kevin was looking for it in his father. This movement hit high gear in the 1960’s and has not slowed since. The present name given is “Self-Esteem”. “We must at all cost possess good self-esteem or we will never be happy”. And so the story goes, it is necessary to be involved in this group or that group, to play this sport or that sport and you will find happiness. Strangely, when one looks back on earlier generations they went through the same phase but did not suffer from the lack of self-esteem that we do. What has happened? Maybe we are so technologically advanced our hard wiring is just different, our nature has evolved now and the simple fulfillments of yesteryear no longer applies. There have been Ph.D.’s working on this problem and many programs have been introduced in schools and social organizations for children to help them build self-esteem. Since these doctors have failed they now try to change the environment in order to ‘save’ the individual from suffering a loss of self-esteem. Such practices as the following have been introduced: All people are treated equal, no one is allowed to fail, competition is rarely done, children don’t have honor roles, everyone gets a trophy, award or certificate, no score is kept on games for children under a certain age etc. Why can’t we seem to find the answer to the emptiness? I mean we now have our iPods, cell phones, Blue Rays, Computers and so on. Technology surely can fill this void can’t it? These things must not work to fill the void because nearly all of the young ladies I work with have had these items but still suffer from low self-esteem.

In order to address this problem we have to abandon modern thinking. We have to purge ourselves of THINGS and rest our hearts on a simple phrase written many years ago by William Shakespeare, “This above all: To Thine Ownself Be True.” What does it mean to be true to oneself? Well, we must act according to our nature. Regardless of our creativity in technological advances we continue to posses the exact same fallen nature as those who ran to our Bless Lord for healing. These technological wonders of our modern age do nothing to change our human nature weather or not we wish to acknowledge it, the truth is that our nature is not the sum total of our successes or failures.

In addressing the question of self-esteem we must look at the premise of this modern movement. They tell us self-esteem is a person’s positive or negative feelings about themselves in relation to the world around them. And so we each petition our own congress in our own way to find that one place that will completely fulfill us and allow us to be happy. Yet we, as Kevin, request to be reassigned over and over again.

At the heart of the matter the question of self-esteem is a very real and serious issue. The quest by parents and children alike really is not after self-esteem but rather affirmation. This affirmation is a fundamental human need. Affirmation is rooted in affectivity which is our capacity to be affected. Affect is a state of being and our affect is harmonious or at peace when we know we are valuable, lovable, joyful etc. in who we are. A child that has been affirmed grows up KNOWING they are valuable and worthy.

The confusion arises when we as children are ‘pseudo affirmed’ (as Dr. Conrad Baars calls it) through effect instead of affect. Effect is a state of doing. Effectivity is motivated by utilitarian motives. Utilitarianism is the use of others for our own selfish gains. Therefore a child reared through this effective state grows up believing they must seek their approval and worth outside of themselves.

When understood in this light one can clearly see how our culture is driven by this effectivity which is translated into ‘pseudo-affirming’. Dr. Baars states, “Professionals, educators, parents etc. can be so busy ‘pseudo-affirming’ others that they fail to recognize, respect or be genuinely moved by other’s goodness as they are. So treated, the other may come to believe that their personal worth lies in their achievements, productivity, activity, or usefulness and not their intrinsic goodness.”(The Nature and Tasks of a Personalist Psychology p. 120).

Kevin came to his father to be affirmed. He desired for his father to accept him for exactly who he is, even though Kevin sought affirmation through effective rather than affective means. He believed if he DID exactly what dad DOES he will then be accepted and in return affirmed and the experience will raise his self-esteem.

Reflecting on this topic reminds of me of the great patriarch, Moses. When Our Blessed Lord called him to his work he was out tending his flock and noticed a contradiction in nature. He observed a bush burning without being consumed by the flames. Like any man he headed over to check it out and then fix the problem. When Moses arrived our Lord spoke to him and said, “So indeed the cry of the Israelites has reached me, I have truly noted that the Egyptians are oppressing them. Come, now! I will send you to Pharaoh to lead my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt’. But Moses said to God. ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and lead the Israelites out of Egypt’? He answered, ‘I will be with you; and this shall be your proof that it is I who have sent you: when you bring my people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this very mountain. But, Moses said to God, ‘when I go to the Israelites and say to them. The god of your fathers has sent me to you, if they ask me what is his name. What am I to tell them’? God replied, ‘I am who am’ Then He added, “This is what you shall tell the Israelites: ‘I AM sent me to you.’ (Exodus 3:9-14).

If you notice our Blessed Lord did not tell Moses: “I DO WHO DOES sent you.” The primary nature of God is not a doer but rather He IS the very nature of ‘ISing’ so to speak. God is the fullness of being, complete with nothing lacking. We share in this divine image. We are created in His image and likeness and through the redemptive work of Christ we are grafted onto His divine nature. Therefore our primary mode of operation is not to DO but rather to BE and so we find our fulfillment, our worth, our value as a person in the God given dignity we possess within ourselves and not in seeking other’s gifts to make us feel better about ourselves.

Another point our Lord made to Moses in giving His name, is that God is a God of the present, the God of NOW, I AM WHO AM. We can take from this that we only exist in this moment and we are only given grace to live in the moment in which we exist. Therefore, it is impossible to receive fulfillment from future or past events, people or situations. We are created to operate in this moment and no other. This may mean we simply live out what we are called: Human Beings who BE, we are not called Human Doings who DO.

Dr. Baar explains that real and authentic affirmation is rooted in intellectual, moral, spiritual and emotional strengthening and there must be a balance between all four. It is crucial that children be taught rational as well as spiritual truths. The primary way children learn is through example or modeling along with the words spoken. In order to model to others the educator (parent) must be living the truths he or she teaches. This requires self-restraining love or again being true to oneself, not living a contradiction, in which we say one thing and do another. Another important point Dr. Baar makes is that children should not be given what children are not ready to accept. They must be allowed to develop and grow. Parenting implies protecting the child from learning too much too quick. The age of maturation is growing. Men and women used to be considered adults in their late teens and early twenties, now research is showing maturation is not reached until mid to late twenties and in many cases individuals never mature and remain stuck in emotional, intellectual and spiritual immaturity. The inability to mature creates a society of boys and girls pretending to be men and women.

Since we are taught that our self-esteem is sought through doing we are a society that ‘lives to work’ instead of ‘working to live.’ We believe our children must excel at all cost in order to gain their true selves. This mindset drives a wedge in the parental relationship with the child because the child then becomes a tool for mom or dad to obtain their own selfish need. How often have we heard about a father driving his son away because he expects him to excel at football to get into college? If the motives were to be searched it would not surprise me to find that dad really wants his son to make up for what he could not accomplish himself or expects him to perform the way dad did. Therefore he is living vicariously through his child to fulfill his own selfish interests, for his own “self-esteem.” If children learn from our modeling and example they will do the same thing the parents do. Which begins the exhaustive quest for self fulfillment “and, unaffirmed or inadequately affirmed persons are likely to seek the experience of being loved and lovable in many self-defeating ways.”(The Nature and Tasks of a Personalist Psychology p. 125). Does this mean we do not challenge and inspire our children? No, however it does mean, as parents, we strive for our motives to be pure and objective and it is not our own self needs being met as we parent our children. We are called to accept each child as a unique, precious, unrepeatable gift and help them become who God created them to be rather than whom we or society tells them they must be. We must affirm our children and stop trying to parent them out of our own selfish wants which leads to ‘self-esteem’ issues. If we ‘need’ to help them with their self-esteem we have already failed and we need to go back to the drawing board for a new look. Remove the blinders and see, maybe for the first time, the gift of this child standing before us. To obtain this goal we must throw off the stain of the modern mindset and return to a truthful and objective view of the human person. “This above all else: to thine ownself be true.” Let us reflect on who we are, accept our own giftedness and do the same with those around us, most especially the little souls entrusted to our care.

I often wonder what ever happened to Kevin. Did he continue in the Navy? Did he ever attempt to reconnect with his father? Did he ever come to understand that the quest for self-esteem always ends in disappointment and heartache? I hope Kevin has accepted who he is and has worked through the hurt and trauma caused by his father abandoning him. I also hope Kevin realizes he has everything within his reach to heal the wound within and as William Shakespeare states:

“Neither a borrower not lender be:

For loan oft loses both itself and friend.

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to Thine Ownself be true;

And it must follow, as the night the day.

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell: my blessing season this in thee!”

(Yet Here, Laertes, William Shakespeare 1564-1616)

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Justin D. McColl (J.D.) MA, LPC, Clinical Director, Therapist at Trinity Teen Solutions
Licensed Professional Counselor # 957
M.A. Christian Counseling from Franciscan University of Steubenville
B.A. Philosophy
Specializes in EMDR and trauma work
Certified in Equine Assisted Psychotherapy
Member of American Counseling Association
Psyche Assistant for assessment firm
Four Years United States Navy Submarine Service, Good Conduct Medal
Missionary work throughout United States and Mexico
Business owner and operator
Manager in Security Firm for Fortune-Five-Hundred Company
Experienced cowhand and rancher
7 + years experience working with at risk youth
Husband and father of 3 children