As I’m writing this, my husband of twenty years and I are in the process of divorcing. We’ve tried everything, including couples counseling, but it seems we’re no longer able to live together.

We have a fifteen-year-old daughter, and she’s not handling the divorce very well. Ever since we broke the news to her, she’s become distant. I fear she may soon grow depressed. Is there anything we can do to help her through this transition?

Desperate – Atlanta, GA

photo by antonychammond

Dear Desperate,

You’re right to be concerned. The teenage years are a roller-coaster ride of emotions without divorce, much less with it. But with some patience and preparation, you can make this transition easier for your daughter.

First things first…remain available to your teen. It’s not uncommon for divorcing parents to juggle their daily lives with the split, forgetting about their child. For this reason, it’s crucial that you carve out time for your teen each day. Use this time to listen and answer any questions she might have.

Second, work with your ex-spouse to keep life consistent for your teen. In other words, maintain the same rules and boundaries for both his house and yours. Life is challenging enough for a teen being juggled between parents, so try to create some stability.

Third, do not force your daughter to choose between you and your ex. This sounds obvious, but you’d be amazed at how many parents are immature in this regard. Remember that you are a parent, first and foremost. Under no circumstances should you turn your child into a spy or messenger for your ex.

Finally, lead by example. Whether or not they admit it, children model what they see in their parents. That being said, if you demonstrate resilience in the face of your divorce, your daughter will be better able to do the same. If you need counseling to help you in this, then get some.

With a few deep breaths, some love and some patience, you can make this transition easier for your teen and your entire family.

-Angie

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Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed boarding school for troubled teens. Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.

        

After years of prayer, thought, and preparation, my husband and I are about to bring home our adopted child. I’m very nervous, as I’ve never adopted before, and I was wondering if there is anything I can do to make this child’s transition easier.

Nervous but Excited – Miami, FL

Dear Nervous,

First, let me congratulate and thank you on your choice to adopt. There are few things in life more precious and selfless than opening your home to a child in need. I commend you.

While I understand that you and your husband have spent a great deal of time trudging through the adoption process, this child has not. Therefore, before you do anything, you must accept the fact that this change is very sudden and huge for the child you’re bringing home. Most foster children have spent their entire lives in orphanages, and they have no reference point for what a family truly is. This transition requires patience and understanding.

Don’t be surprised if the child reacts differently than you envisioned. The change is dramatic, no matter how you slice it. Also, realize that children are taught “survival skills” in orphanages that don’t assimilate well in traditional, American homes.

Consider the following:

•    Orphanages are institutions, and they create submissive and dominant roles that may contribute to a child’s passive or aggressive behavior.
•    Children who were forced to grow up fast, or who raised their younger siblings will have a hard time allowing you to parent them.
•    Orphanages run on routine, making it hard for some kids to accept transitions.
•    Orphanages determine when children sleep, eat, play, etc. Adopted children may have difficulty regulating their own actions.
•    Children who’ve been passed around among foster homes may suffer from attachment disorders.
•    Almost all foster children were raised with few personal possessions, so the concept of ownership will be new and strange to them.

The most important thing to remember when bringing your adopted child home is to be flexible mentally, emotionally, and physically. In these situations, love is not enough…you must also possess time and patience. If you do, I promise that you’ll one day have the family you’ve always dreamed of.

Good luck!