One year ago, my husband and I welcomed our adopted daughter into our home. She’s now thirteen years old. She’s always been a very sweet kid, but for some reason, we’re finding it difficult to break her out of her shell. I know we should be patient with her, but how long should it take for her to feel like she belongs to our family?

Please Help – Houston, TX

Dear Please Help,

First, I want to thank you for your choice to adopt. It’s a selfless act that makes a huge impact on a child’s life. You and your husband are to be commended.

What you’re experiencing with your teen daughter is abandonment issues, and it’s not uncommon with adopted children. In fact, it’s quite the norm. When a child is raised in the foster system, he or she nurtures a sense of rejection from the biological family, which they then carry into their adoptive homes.

Many adoptive parents believe that with enough love and patience, they can overcome this sense of rejection. As you’ve learned, this is easier said than done. While it’s true that some adoptees are resistant to affection, the majority are simply hesitant to speak about their abandonment issues. They fear they will offend their adoptive families.

The fact is that unless these abandonment issues are dealt with early on, the child may have trouble maintaining healthy, long-term relationships as an adult. So what do you do?

For starters, don’t pressure your teenager into discussing her feelings. Always remain open, but practice patience.

Learn whatever you can about your daughter’s biological origins, in case she has questions. Most importantly, do not be offended if she wants to learn more about her birth parents.

If she asks why she was adopted, find a gentle yet honest means of answering. Something like “Your parents chose adoption because they felt incapable of taking care of you” tells the truth in a painless manner without being misleading.

Many adoptees struggle with their identities. Because of this, it’s important for adoptive parents to nurture their child’s talents and interests. Take note of what your daughter enjoys doing, and encourage her to learn more.

Finally, if worse comes to worst, seek professional counseling for your entire family. Whatever you do, do not give up on your daughter. Remember that you took on a responsibility when you chose to adopt, and dealing with ups and downs is part of that. With enough time, patience and love, your family can overcome any obstacle.

Good luck!

Angie

Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed boarding school for troubled teens and their families.  Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.

        

Adoption is a beautiful thing. What better gift can a person give than a happy, stable home to grow up in? It’s a selfless act and the ultimate display of love for another human being.

But like anything in life, adoption has its ups and downs. Children who were adopted are more likely to display behavioral problems than their non-adoptive peers, and without the proper preparation and training, there is little adoptive parents can do to change this.

The following are some lifelong difficulties commonly experienced by adopted children:

Fear of Loss

Even when given up as babies, adopted children sense something about them is different. Instinctually, they can detect their removal from their birth

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parents. As adults, it’s not uncommon for them to fear the loss of anything or anyone important to them.

Rejection by Birth Parents

Upon realizing they’re adopted, children often feel the sense of being unwanted by their birth parents.

Guilt That They Did Something Wrong

Adopted children tend to feel there is something terribly wrong with them; otherwise their birth parents would not have let them go.

Identity Crisis

Adopted children have little to no information about their birth family’s medical history, religion, genes, or other vital information. As a result, some adoptees seek acceptance from subcultures, run away, become pregnant, and ignore their adoptive families.

Intimacy Issues

If adopted at an older age, kids are hesitant to become attached to their new families. They also tend to be preoccupied with intimacy issues such as their conception, biology, genes, and sexuality.

Control Issues Causing Defiance

One of their biggest life decisions – who will raise them – was made without the adoptees’ input. As a result, behavioral problems such as defiance are common of adopted kids. This is all done in a desperate attempt to regain control of their lives.

Summary

While there are several issues associated with adoption, it is possible to overcome them. Perhaps you’re considering adoption, or maybe you’ve already opened your home to a child in need. Whatever the case, you must prepare yourself for both the good and bad.

Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Boarding School for at risk teen girls and their families.  Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.