Issues of Abandonment

Dear Angie,

One year ago, my husband and I welcomed our adopted daughter into our home. She’s now thirteen years old. She’s always been a very sweet kid, but for some reason, we’re finding it difficult to break her out of her shell. I know we should be patient with her, but how long should it take for her to feel like she belongs to our family?

Please Help – Houston, TX

Dear Please Help,

First, I want to thank you for your choice to adopt. It’s a selfless act that makes a huge impact on a child’s life. You and your husband are to be commended.

What you’re experiencing with your teen daughter is abandonment issues, and it’s not uncommon with adopted children. In fact, it’s quite the norm. When a child is raised in the foster system, he or she nurtures a sense of rejection from the biological family, which they then carry into their adoptive homes.

Many adoptive parents believe that with enough love and patience, they can overcome this sense of rejection. As you’ve learned, this is easier said than done. While it’s true that some adoptees are resistant to affection, the majority are simply hesitant to speak about their abandonment issues. They fear they will offend their adoptive families.

The fact is that unless these abandonment issues are dealt with early on, the child may have trouble maintaining healthy, long-term relationships as an adult. So what do you do?

For starters, don’t pressure your teenager into discussing her feelings. Always remain open, but practice patience.

Learn whatever you can about your daughter’s biological origins, in case she has questions. Most importantly, do not be offended if she wants to learn more about her birth parents.

If she asks why she was adopted, find a gentle yet honest means of answering. Something like “Your parents chose adoption because they felt incapable of taking care of you” tells the truth in a painless manner without being misleading.

Many adoptees struggle with their identities. Because of this, it’s important for adoptive parents to nurture their child’s talents and interests. Take note of what your daughter enjoys doing, and encourage her to learn more.

Finally, if worse comes to worst, seek professional counseling for your entire family. Whatever you do, do not give up on your daughter. Remember that you took on a responsibility when you chose to adopt, and dealing with ups and downs is part of that. With enough time, patience and love, your family can overcome any obstacle.

Good luck!

Angie

Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed boarding school for troubled teens and their families.  Call 307-645-3384 for a free consultation.

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